College sucking the life out of me
The idyll didn't last long. I have no time for my creative work again. Unfortunately, there haven't been any updates for almost a month, for a few reasons. And this is a too honest explanation of why. I basically can't enjoy my hobbies because I have to do things I don't want to do and things I don't even need.
In college, we have a very unstable schedule that changes every week. One week might be almost like a break, the next is grind. This along with many other reasons is why my sleep schedule is so messed up. When classes start in the morning (8:30 AM), I literally die. I feel a constant malaise and can't do assignments normally at home. When I get home, my head hurts like hell. That's why I'm already behind on my assignments and now have to grind because exams start in just over a month. But even on weekends which are surprisingly frequent this semester — it doesn't matter to me. I wake up too late (in the afternoon) because I didn't sleep well on weekdays. Then I try to do assignments. But I do them very, very slowly, and the professors might find new mistakes every time, so I have to fix them over and over. It feels like I'm not doing anything at all, just spinning in place. Some assignments haven't even been started because they're too hard for me, but the thought that they're so hard I won't finish them in a week until the deadline doesn't help either. Also, I'm taking part in redesigning our college's website, so that's another layer of work on top of everything. That work is more interesting to me, and our little group of students is pretty nice. But because of the endless unfinished assignments, I don't have time for that either.
So, it looks like I won't be doing anything about my comic or even just a little sketching for the next month, until the exam session is over. (I haven't even done that much lol) I have to deal with all the assignments as fast as I can so I can get good grades and not lose my scholarship. I can't do anything but these assignments, take a little breath, and then do them again.
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I don't know how to describe how fucking tired I am of this. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. I'm studying something I don't understand and don't want to understand because it's not my niche at all. But I can't afford to study and live in another city (I wasn't born in a "first world" country this might be surprising to you if you were but yeah), and the STEM college is the only college in my town. STEM is obviously not my thing at all, and I've been bad at math since 1st grade. Why are we even talking about science and engineering... 🤧🤧
It's actually good that there's any college in my town at all. Most towns (not big cities) in my country sometimes don't even have good schools. But there's also a problem with this college's location: it's not really in town, it's in a rural area just outside. There's only one bus that goes there, and it takes half an hour to get there. And that's another problem that has a HUGE impact on my sleep. I have to wake up at 5:30-5:40 AM, then walk to the bus stop which is an hour's walk from my home! I also have problems with my morning routine: it takes me so long (about 1,5 hours) that I don't even know why. That's why I have to wake up at fuck knows when, and even then I don't have enough time. Before, I used to drive to college, and I didn't have to wake up that early. But after a certain incident, I can no longer drive... I don't think I can talk about that here. Also, I've had big problems with my online social circle lately. But that's another story. I just want to say that it also had a big impact on my wellbeing. The past year feels like I'm sitting on a chair in the middle of a fire, trying not to lose my shit as best as I can 😄😄
So, where do I find time for my creative work? All my energy, physical and mental, goes into surviving on chronic lack of sleep and doing things I hate. And that's why it's so hard to keep my socials active, especially with the minimal feedback I get. I basically have nothing to post most of the time. I don't even know when I'll come off hiatus on Tumblr lol. Is anyone even waiting for me? Ofc not. I don't even have the motivation for socials anymore and I don't see any prospects in them. I can't even promote my art through them and it seems like my stuff isn't interesting to random peeps just doomscrolling their feed. So I think I'll always be this inactive on socials and I might even abandon some of them because I feel like I'm just wasting time without getting what I want.
This was just a vent post and some kind of announcement for my inactivity. But who cares?
